Attachment Theory Basics

simplified….

Attachment theory is a heady subject. Dr. Allan Schore, who is known as the “Einstein of psychology,” wrote an intimidating book on the subject that most of us would never finish. Click here for a link to the book and let me know if you finish it! Again, let me emphasize that I am NOT an expert.

Attachment theory is based on the research of John Bowlby who studied the bonds between mothers and their babies and the disruption to their healthy development when that bond was disturbed.

“Attachment is a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and space” (Ainsworth, 1973; Bowlby, 1969).

So here is a simple, surface explanation:

God designed us to attach. Adam & Eve had a perfect, uninterrupted attachment to God as they walked with him in the garden. But as we know, sin entered the world and death through sin. Each of us is born with a blank “slate,” ready to attach, but because we live in a broken world, our care givers may not have given us what we needed.

Ideally, as our needs are met and we bond with our care givers, the attachment centers in our brains grow and stabilize.

When our needs are not met, we may have an underdeveloped attachment center or a dysfunctional attachment style.

Not only this, but various systems in our body do not develop properly because our needs were not met.

The ultimate take away for me in studying this subject is that our motivations for our entire lives are based more upon our bonds and attachments than we’d like to admit. God is a relational God. As a modern adult, I’m more comfortable with the idea that what I think motivates me. But these attachments from our first formative years have SUCH a significant impact on us. It’s not just about what you know, but who you know and how you’ve known them. Where we belong can influence what we believe. New Testament believers probably knew less Bible verses than we do. They didn’t understand deep, theological terms. But they gave their lives in the coliseums gladly, not because of what they knew. but because of who they had a relationship with.  

Jesus!

If you’ve had a difficult upbringing or trauma, you may have fear bonds with God and a strong attachment to Jesus may require healing.

We need truth AND love. We need His Word and belonging where there is a tender response to weakness.  It’s easy to live in fear in these days where people are trading the truth of Scripture for their own cultural mashup.  And some of what you read here may sound threatening because it’s easier to be dismissive of those whose faith is weaker. 

If we have truth without love, we are living in a left brain paradigm where only what we reason has value.

If we have love without truth, we may be great at accepting everyone but are tossed and swayed by every wind of doctrine and are unable to do the tough things required of a gentle protector.  

We need whole brain maturity. 

Attachment Theory Continued

If you’re hungry for more understanding in this area, here is an illustration of what can go wrong in attachment.

We all understand the concepts of Hardware & Software. My husband recently introduced me to the concept of Firmware and though no analogy is perfect, I think it’s a great way to break down attachment theory.

Hardware: The physical parts of the computer. The hard drive, the memory (RAM), the interface peripherals, etc.

Firmware: A set of instructions programmed on a hardware device which provides the necessary instructions for how the device communicates with the other computer hardware.

Software: A set of instructions and its associated documentation that tells a computer what to do or how to perform a task.

Software functionality is built upon established and functioning firmware.

So the hardware, in this illustration, would be our physical bodies and the different parts of our brain.

The firmware would be the bonding in the crucial first two years of life which then governs the neuro-construct of the brain. The neural-pathways that are set up for life are developed during this time. This all happens on a deep, subcortical level.

i.e. Are people safe and loving, or painful?

Our software would be the programming that we are then applying after the fact. Life lessons. The concept of love and logic. All family values. Learned relational skills.

Software functionality is built upon established and functioning firmware.

Attaching to Jesus, absorbing family values, learning from life lessons are much easier when we have a healthy firmware.

Attachment Pain

Attachment pain is the deepest and most painful emotional pain we can experience. It is the result of a loss. When we are attached to someone and we are separated from them, or just aren’t around them as much as we are accustomed to, we experience attachment pain. God made us to attach. Living without attachments is like living underwater. We simply weren’t created to exist there. Jesus longs to be our deepest attachment. He experienced the greatest attachment pain by being separated from the Father so that by his sacrifice, we could have a relationship with Him. Our hearts are most satisfied when He is our highest joy. Pain comes when we replace our attachment to Him with attachments to Behaviors, Events, Experiences, People and Substances (BEEPS) that cannot satisfy. If we’ve been raised with a faulty firmware, we may distrust God or feel He is not safe or good.

In conclusion, our attachment center is really the engine that drives us. It informs how we connect to God and others, it informs how we interpret the world. Everyone is attached to someone/something. Jesus is glad to be with you. He adores you. He’s waiting with open arms.