Finding Your People
Growing up is about learning what to value in friendships. Though connected online, many of our kids are growing up isolated from a “people group.” Many of our kids are drifting about, looking for attachments and identity in this fragile stage of life. Here are three important things to understand as a parent, trying to raise a child who lives for Christ’s kingdom.
Understand One Basic Human Need:
We need belonging! God designed us to be social creatures. Before we understand and crave belonging, our identity is formed. At birth this process begins by ordering our world first through mom, then dad. So we have an individual identity, but at adolescence, our brains begin searching for a group identity, or “tribe.”
Whether it be Young Life, church youth group, sports, or band, your kids are naturally wired by God to find a people group. Some kids have hundreds of friends and some have only a few. Regardless of the amount, our relationships need to be carefully curated like fine pieces of art. We all have messy ones, but they need to remain in the right place in our lives.
2. Understand Who Your People Are:
We’ve all heard of the term “boundaries,” but if you stop and think about it, our relationships really do fall into “zones.”
Your outer zones are filled with acquaintances and then moving inward we have what I call “light friends.”
Deeper in the circle are “your people.” We want those to be friends who remind you of who you really are and draw out the good in you. Each zone means more trust as you move inward. The core relationships we have are our strongest attachments. Family is in this zone, but as kids reach adolescence, they are exploring who they are outside of the family circle. Ideally our kids have anchored their deepest levels of trust and identity in Christ, and have had a thriving relationship with mom and dad as their identity has developed. This will naturally draw them to belonging with other believers.
Personally, my heart has room for an unlimited amount of close relationships and this can get me into trouble. I have learned over time that though I would like to, I can’t make everyone “my people.” Hear me friends, don’t drag people into a zone when they haven’t earned the right to be there.
There can be people you “small talk” with.
There can be people you minister to.
There can be people you call “friend.”
But there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.
Now just because someone is close to me does not mean our relationship will be pain free. There is NO way to prevent pain in relationships. Consider the story of David and Jonathon. Though Jonathon would lose his power, wealth and title to David, they remained friends. They reminded each other of who they really were and honored God’s desires above all else.
We are all sinners living in a broken world and despite our best efforts, we can and will hurt each other. What matters is how we make repairs for our mistakes. Ideally, close friends will accept responsibility for their part just as you should when you hurt them. Working together, you keep the relationship bigger than the problem and grow through the difficulties. If a friend isn’t interested or capable of these things, they need to be moved to an outer zone.
Ultimately, if you have to sacrifice your identity in Christ in order to belong, then you’re trying to belong in the wrong place. You need to find your people elsewhere.
3. Understand What Belonging Does:
Our belonging has a tremendous influence on our believing. Where your kids feel the most joy and connection will influence them. Period. If they aren’t experiencing joy and connection at church or home, they are going to seek it out wherever they CAN find it. God made our brains to crave joy. You can’t help but love someone who lights up to see you. Even if they aren’t the healthiest relationship.
I Corinthians 15:33 says: Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good.”
The strength of your attachments have tremendous implications for how you see yourself (identity), and what you believe about your world.
Just as a museum has a curator who chooses what to display and cares for their art, we are curators of our relationships. We make choices about who we spend time with, which impacts our viewpoints and behaviors downstream.
Ideally our kids will find a sense of belonging with those who share their view of His kingdom. Those who value Jesus above all of the other trivial things of the adolescent years. These years are important for their growth and they cannot do it in isolation. Just as Daniel needed Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, we need others who can remind us of who God made us to be.
As a parent, go the extra mile and do whatever you can to help your son or daughter find “their people.” Pray for your kids to find friends who can remind them of the truth of the Gospel and bring out the beautiful person God made them to be.
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17